Actually, We Were Hoping These Assholes Would Just Die Off Naturally

Doesn't everyone know that ESPN is so dumbed down at this point that only a 3 year old could appreciate Sean Salisbury? No? Well, I guess that explains the existence of Team Baby Entertainment, a company wants to foster the next generation of sports fans. The company has enlisted celebrities to help parents instill a sense of fandom into their infants and toddlers. Some of the stars on deck to assist parents with this, uh, important task are as listed.

Bob Costas will narrate the NBA title. Presumably he will also encourage your infant to grow up to be short and pretentious and subversively encourage them to hate baseball, especially the "pure" kind.

Mark Cuban will offer his talents to the Dallas Mavericks title. Oh, I get it. Nice, Mark. Raise a whole army against David Stern. Okay, I'm with you.

Jay Leno will narrate the Nascar title. The title is not advised for parents with more than 1 child. The points system could encourage unhealthy competition. Obviously, it goes without saying that Black infants or toddlers will not gleam anything from this DVD. I mean, you could show it to them once or twice for kicks, but there won't be much mutual interest.

Matthew McConaughey is on deck for the University of Texas title. Don't let your little girls near this DVD. They will initially be captivated by Matthew, but grow up to be disappointed when they find out Matthew is kind of scuzzy and likes to go barefoot. All genders of children will inexplicably crave the need to go topless. But on the bright side, they will love exercise on the beach and brushing their teeth. And for parents with a vested interests, your kid will be taught to only associate with hot dudes.

Al Michaels will narrate the MLB series. Presumably, the title will include lessons on "sportsmanship" and "honesty" and being a "natural" athlete.

Regis Philbin will be the star of the Notre Dame title. Don't waste your money on that DVD, because I'm sure that DVD will inexplicably turn up as a national broadcast.

Pat Riley will teach your kid how to be a Miami Heat baby. Surely that includes knowledge on how to "play your way" on to the honor roll at preschool despite showing up out of shape and lacking understanding of the ABC's at the beginning of the school year.

George Steinbrenner will be teaching your kid how to be a New York Yankee baby. Your kid will suddenly demand Playstations, Brons and Ipods in order to fulfill its potential as valedictorian, but only end up with a B average.

It wasn't mentioned in the press release, but presumably the company will be lining up some celebrities from the Big 10, Big 12, SEC and ACC to brainwash their child that only certain conferences play good football year in and year out and that the BCS is a really good system (that insulates so-called "major" conferences from being exposed and suffering the horror of not ending their season with a multi-million dollar payout for an appearance at a bowl game).

The DVDs will be available for the holiday system, but I'm sure many parents will just opt to continue with their Budweiser fueled, profanity loaded, irrational rants at the plasma (Fuck you, Peyton! Fuck you!) in order to show their kids what a real sports fan is made of. Although little Timmy is crying and cowering in the corner simultaneously fearful and awestruck, he'll eventually understand...