Get Your Weight Up, Man!

It's truly a new day in Atlanta. The Falcons are feeling so good about themselves that they talking smack! Several Falcons appeared on the 790 the Zone "Monsters of the Midday" show today to have a little more fun with Chad Johnson - because embarrassing him on his home turf on Sunday apparently wasn't enough.

Patrick Kerney got the fun started by revealing that Johnson was spending way too much time around the Falcons huddle jawing and that Carson Palmer yelled at Johnson several times for running the wrong routes.

Then Chad's good buddy D'Angelo Hall proclaimed that Chad was obsessed with beating him on coverage, to the point that he was engaged in excessive "gyrations" that resulted in him being a step or two late on his routes. Hall stopped just a wee bit short of saying that Chad was a "me" person and not really concerned about the fate of the team. Hall did concede that he thought Chad was mainly concerned with himself during that particular game. He concluded with saying that, "If you're going to act like T.O., you need to get your weight up like T.O." Damn.

I have to disclose that you should take the above bravado with a grain of salt. Both players admitted to being big fans of the movie, "The Notebook." "The Notebook" is the most beautiful and tearjerking of love stories and no self-respecting man should even admit to knowledge of such a film. Alas, Kerney even admitted to watching it the first time alone - no chick involved.

Ummm, okay....

Former NBA player Rick Fox and Sharon Stone a couple? Apparently, they were spotted at LA nightclub Hyde making out. This is a two pronged problem. They are both too old to be making out in a drunken haze and they are both too old to be in the club!

Race, Season Tickets and the "Ron Artest Effect"

Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Last week, Dikembe Mutombo was heckled by Orlando Magic season ticket holder, Hooman Hamzehloui (gracing the picture above), during a Magic/Rockets preseason game. Specifically, Hamzehloui said Mutombo looked like a "big monkey." Predictably, Mutombo was outraged. Mutombo started toward the stands but was restrained by an official. Mutombo gave the heckler the finger and indicated that if something like that happened again, he would go after the taunter. Well, the Magic and the NBA promptly banned the heckler for the season. So, yesterday, the heckler issues a written apology to Mutombo, feigns ignorance of the significance of calling a Black man a "monkey" and promises to donate $5,000 to a charity of Mutombo's choice and to not return to a Magic game until Mutombo approves. So, I'm thinking it's kind of big of the guy to apologize, but is he really that pressed for his Orlando magic season tickets? Well, yes he is. It is not clear what the status of the apology is, but now Hamzehloui has hired an attorney, vowed to avenge his right to attend Magic games and - wait for it - demanding an apology from Mutombo. Turns out this guy is some sort of big shot realtor VIP season ticket holder who had just the night before thrown a party attended by Orlando Magic players and that the Magic are supposedly nervous about this situation with respect to their season ticket holder base. Also, some are calling for Mutombo to be dispensed with in accordance with new Ron Artest rules. Why can the NBA only muster up off-court drama these days....

Yao Ming is the New Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby continues going all over American yelling at as many Black people he can find about.. about.. well just about everything. Apparently, Yao Ming has taken notice of the Jello pudding guy and has decided that he wants his Chinese brethren to polish up their manners in anticipation of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Interesting stance by Yao... The Chinese culture does lack many of the pleasantries that are typical in the American culture. Sure, it takes a little adjustment, but it never occurred to me that all of China might be in need of an etiquette lesson. Generally, I think tourists should adjust to the country they're visiting.

Grown Ass Man Defeated by Paper Cut

A few days ago, I opined that professional basketball players are more likely than football players to lack work ethic because they coast on their natural talent. Little did I know that Paul Pierce would volunteer as Exhibit A to this theory. With the NBA season about to get underway, Paul Pierce is currently inactive because of a paper cut. Yes, a 6'6", 230 pound man is unable to play basketball for $13.8 million/year because of a paper cut. Leave it up to NBA players to fall beneath even my lowest expectations. Look, he's even wearing a band-aid for effect.

Jake Delhomme - Stalkworthy?

Well, he's cute enough and, despite my allegiance to the Falcons, I am a fan of his playing ability too. Would I stalk him? Probably not. Nag him? Yeah, maybe. I guess Delhomme is nagworthy. However, a 47 year old woman in North Carolina is firm in her conviction that Delhomme is indeed stalkworthy.

What is Spanish for, "Get Out the Clippers!?"

Despite Chad Johnson's fantastic trash talking leading up to the game, the Bengals lost at home to the Falcons on Sunday. Chad promised to shave his blond mohawk off if the Bengals lost. It's time to pay the piper, but D'Angelo Hall has already let Chad off the hook. Chad, take the walk of shame. Shave it off!

Chad did manage to continue his salute to Hispanic Heritage Month during the game by celebrating a TD with a little salsa dance in the endzone. Wondering where Chad gets his skills? Turns out he has been taking lessons.

"He Can't Hold My Jock..."

Those are the exact words of Terrell Owens made in response to the New York Giants player, Plaxico Burress', comments that Owens was a coward for avoiding a tackle during the Cowboys/Giants game on this past Monday. The comment was made this past Friday during Owens' weekly interview on the Dan LeBatard show on 790 the Ticket. Other highlights of the interview included Owens praising the ability of Carolina Panthers receiver, Steve Smith, but with respect to their receiver Keyshawn Johnson, "that's another story." Also, T.O. confirmed that he was handsome. T.O. is hilarious. I love him. To date, 790 the Ticket has not posted the audio of the interview.

The Cycle of Abuse Continues....

Tonight, Charlie Weis, head coach of Notre Dame, will appear on 60 Minutes and bitch about how Bill Parcells verbally abused him and, in turn, is responsible for how he feels justified in abusing his personnel and for otherwise sullying the integrity of prestigious Catholic university, Notre Dame. Charlie, you are a victim. You are a victim!

Things Only a Black Person Can Get Away With Saying

Jason Whitlock, banned from ESPN, but still managing to continue with his life as a respected Kansas City Star columnist, appeared on the Dan LeBatard radio show this past Thursday. Among many topics discussed, Jason put forth a theory that "athletic" quarterbacks don't do as well as "traditional" quarterbacks in the NFL because they have less work ethic and are less likely to devote themselves to film study as "traditional" quarterbacks. Oh, snap!!!! Now we all know "athletic" = Black (e.g., Michael Vick) and "traditional" = White (e.g., Peyton Manning). Jason denied that those categorizations applied, but struggled to finally name Steve Young as an "athletic" quarterback (who only rose to his potential because he had the opportunity to learn from Joe Montana, a "traditional" quarterback). BTW, Jason Whitlock is a Black man and I want to apologize in advance for paraphrasing Whitlock, as 790 the Ticket has not posted the audio of Whitlock's interview to date.

Now we all know, if a White analyst said something like this, all hell would break loose. But since a Black person said it, let's just evaluate it on its merits. I have to say that I - wait for it - agree with Jason on the concept, but I disagree in the application of the theory. Coasting on natural talent is WAYYYY more evident in the NBA, but that's a discussion for another time. Jason basically felt that because "athletic" quarterbacks have so much natural talent, they are disincentivized from improving, for example, by devoting themselves from something as mundane as film study.

Let's focus on someone I'm pretty sure Jason was including in his "athletic" category. That would be one Michael Vick. I am a Atlanta native and Falcon loyalist. Consequently, I have watched every Michael Vick snap and try to analyze the plight of the Falcons in context. I am not arguing that Michael Vick is deficient in some areas, but would I go so far as to say he lacks work ethic? Absolutely not. Vick has improved every season. He has evolved from his "superman" mentality to maybe I should throw it out of bounds when there is no play. In fact, last season, I was very disappointed that the Falcons didn't pursue Terrell Owens because I believed Vick needed someone who could overcome his lack of passing accuracy. This season, I have had to reconsider that Vick is an inaccurate passer, but rather he just lacks confidence in his receiver core. This year, I have noticed him throwing the ball early in the game, but after drops by our receivers (I'm talking to you, Roddy White), Michael just exhibits extreme hesitance to pass the ball. And, let's be clear, Michael Vick has never had a decent receiver core. The real truth is that most NFL coaches/management are only capable of fitting players in their systems, rather that being able to truly adapt to its personnel. In Vick's case, in McNabb's case, in Leftwich's case and in the case of any other of the relatively newly encountered "athletic" quarterback, I think we should reserve final judgment on the so called "athletic" quarterback on why some do not reach their full potential.

Hot Chick of the Moment

This is true love... The above is a picture of Nelly (rap star) and Ashanti (R&B star) at Game 3 of the World Series. Sure she looks disgusted with life, but she showed up. Everybody in the world knew that game was going to rain out, but 50,000 people including Nelly and his bottom bitch, Ashanti, showed up and sat in the rain for 2 hours. Let's give a hand to Ashanti. Would your girlfriend subject her weave to that kind of humidity for you?

David Stern is in Serious, Serious Denial

David Stern has stated that pending efforts to legalize marijuana in the state of Nevada will have no impact on the NBA All-Star game in Las Vegas in 2007. You're right, David. NBA players will not respond to any incentive to smoke weed and play video games all day - because they do that already, dumbass.

The Media blames T.O. for McDonald's Filthy, Filthy Nastiness

Dallas Cowboy's WR coach Todd Haley has filed a lawsuit against McDonald's because his wife and au pair found a dead 6-inch rat in their salad. Gross! My question is what does T.O. have to do with this story?! My focus was on the rat in the salad. However, the Associated Press found it necessary to mention Haley's relationship with Owens in the 3rd paragraph of the article. Okay.... But just for good measure, the AP reiterated in the last paragraph of the article Haley's relationship with Terrell Owens. What? Let me reiterate the article was about a DEAD RAT IN A MCDONALD'S SALAD. No matter what your stance on T.O. is, I'm sure his mention in the article didn't impact your general feelings of disgust.

In case you doubt the association, the AP printed the following caption to the above picture:

Dallas Cowboys wide recievers coach Todd Haley, left, speaks with Terrell Owens (81) during drills at minicamp at the Dallas Cowboys training facility in Irving, Texas, Friday, June 2, 2006. Haley is suing a suburban McDonald's after claiming his wife and their family's au pair found a dead rat in their salad. The lawsuit filed Thursday, Oct. 26, 2006,in state district court seeks $1.7 million in damages, The Dallas Morning News reported on its Web site.

And We're Supposed to take ESPN Seriously...

I'm not making this up. Paris Hilton is kicking off Monday Night Football this week in ESPN's ridiculously lavish opening sequence. Hey? How about using that money to pay some competent analysts instead?

T.O. Ruined Your Career, Drew

Drew, I feel sorry for you. You seem like a nice enough guy and you had to deal with the same situation in New England that you are going through now. And Bill Parcells had to put salt in the wound by humiliating you on Monday Night Football. Did you hear that the game got some of the highest ratings in cable history? Everybody saw you get kicked to the curb.

However, it's time to place the blame where it really lies. As ESPN struggles to find ways to mention Terrell Owens' name every five minutes although he hasn't done anything this week, they have only managed to indirectly link him to your troubles. Their best theory, courtesy of Dan Patrick (mostly), is that Jerry Jones' egomaniacal pursuit of T.O. prevented the Cowboys from shoring up their offensive line and that is how T.O. continued his plan of world destruction and put you in the situation you are in now. It is obvious that the offensive line sucks (and so does the defense), but the offensive line has little to do with your predicament.

Guess what, Drew? If you have receivers as good as Terrell Owens AND Terry Glenn AND Jason Witten and you can't get it done, that means you suck - you f*cking suck. It is crystal clear to anyone paying of attention. End of story.

And that is how T.O. ruined your career. You weren't the first and you won't be the last.

BTW, if you can't fall asleep at night because you are just as consumed as ESPN over the Bledsoe v. Romo debate, check out this excellent and hilarious comparison.

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch!

Clearly, Chad Johnson saw the tape of last week's Falcon's game against the Steelers where DeAngelo Hall got BURNED by one shoe wearing, 86-year-old Hines Ward in the open field. Inspired, Chad has changed his name to Ocho Cinco ("O.C.", for short) to help the NFL celebrate Hispanic Heritage month. He has also taken the liberty of giving DeAngelo a catchy new nickname - DeAngelo Fall. I can't even back you up, DeAngelo. You looked terrible last week. Accordingly, Mr. Fall has decided to not respond to Chad's comments.

Chad's promising to shave off that stupid mohawk if the Falcons win. With that type of guarantee, I know we're all rooting for the Falcons.

You're preaching to the choir, baby

I don't know what's more remarkable - that Tiki Barber is talking trash about ESPN or that ESPN reported it.

"...I will call them idiots, because they have neither spoken to me, nor any one of my teammates or any of my coaches, yet all they do is criticize me for being a distraction with this retirement thing."

"And that includes (The Daily News') Gary Myers," he said. "That includes Tom Jackson on ESPN. That includes the ultimate character guy, facetiously speaking of course, Michael Irvin (ESPN). Please get a clue on how to be a journalist. Don't make blanket assumptions about it (retirement). And obviously, as was evidenced (Monday) night, I am a huge distraction to the New York Giants."

Wow, Tiki. Suddenly, I'm going to miss you... The dig at Michael Irvin was pretty special. I can't wait for his response.

Leinart gains a baby and a baby mama in one day!

Golden boy Matt Leinart had a son today. The baby mama, Brynn Cameron, is pictured above next to Matt. Not bad, Matt. Not bad. Ms. Cameron would like to get back to school and playing basketball as soon as possible. I'm sure she will find time to cash her phat child support checks in between scrimmages.

Whiny Athletes/Bitches of the Day

The last thing Ben Roethlisberger remembered before getting knocked the f*ck out on Sunday is some unnamed Falcon mocking him for his inablity to drive and stating his desire to ruin Ben's precious plastic surgery enhanced face. Ben vows revenge. We'll be waiting, Ben. All of Atlanta is quaking in their boots. Seriously, Ben, listen to your body and take a few weeks off. You already have a ring.

In case you didn't see it coming, Drew Bledsoe was replaced by Tony Romo today. Of course, Drew is not bitter or anything.

Hot Chick of the Moment

Let me present Donna Feldman. Ms. Feldman currently portrays "Gloria" on the syndicated show, "Fashion House." Does anyone watch this show? For some reason, I am pretty much addicted to it. As promised, I will present notable women from time to time as a public service. Why Ms. Feldman? Because she has general appeal. Not only is she attractive, but she has a unique appeal, even when in the company of other beautiful women. You would kind have to watch the show or otherwise be familiar with her to know what I mean. As promised, a hot chick of the moment... Nothing too heavy. See guys, I'm cool.

NBA Players Praised for Making Risky Investments

Elton Brand, among others, like to waste their money on making movies and crappy rap songs.

Vicodin... Plague on the NFL?

First T.O., now this... Vicodin is up to its ugly tricks again. Jacksonville Jaguar defensive end, Bobby McCray, was arrested for racing, reckless driving, prohibited use of flashing lights and drug possession. Umm, I didn't know you could get flashing lights for yourself. They could come in handy in ATL traffic. Anybody have the hook-up?

What Did You Expect?

Brian Urlacher likes Black chicks! Sweet. Unfortunately, just like the brothers, he is experiencing some complications.

Unfortunately, the baby mama in question, Tyna Robertson, is not that cute. For all the headache, he could have done better. But to be fair, maybe she's under stress and this is not her best moment...

Opening Manifesto

On October 16, 2006, I was perusing the sports news like I normally do on a daily basis.

On that day, ESPN had sent a ridiculous missive to deadspin.com declaring them an undesirable "underground" website. I read many extremely intelligent reader comments, browsed a few more blogs and then it was obvious...

I am not alone... I too hate ESPN!

Well, not really. I love ESPN like a play cousin. In fact, it is a big part of my life. I watch it every day, often falling asleep to the smooth stylings of John Anderson or Neil Everett. However, it is undeniable that ESPN is on the decline. Although they employ dozens of talented reporters and writers, they have chosen to focus on many, many sucky analysts (Yeah, I'm talking about you, Sean Salisbury). This is why I haven't been able to get over the loss of Fox's National Sports Report. So, I too will bravely join the "underground" revolution forcing (hopefully) ESPN to reach its potential.

So I dedicate this blog to all the athletes (men and women) that ESPN has abused by not challenging itself to provide more than excessive, biased and unfocused coverage. In the last 30 days alone, that would include Terrell Owens, Stephen Jackson, the University of Miami football team and Kenny Rogers (although he deserves it). ESPN (also Fox and Sports Illustrated, as necessary), just leave the man alone...

What can you expect from this blog?

I will discuss NFL, NBA, NCAA Men's Basketball and MLB. I will not discuss too much hockey or soccer because I am not that interested in them. I will not discuss golf because it is not really a sport.

All discussions will be tempered by as much humor as I can muster and a heavy dose of pop culture.

There are a few things you should know about me.

I am from Atlanta. Consequently, I will bitch a lot about the Falcons. I will discuss the Braves as necessary. It probably won't be necessary to discuss the Hawks.

I went to Georgetown. My college basketball comments will largely be dedicated to them and Big East basketball in general.

I am a Black-American. My cultural perspective will be reflected. And yes, that is code for "I will periodically have to accuse [fill in the blank] of racism."

I am female. Thus, I am not bound by "man law." If I want to say some athlete is good looking, I will - and be unashamed. If an athlete is having trouble with his baby mama or cheating on his wife or has an STD, I will not suppress said stories on this blog.

Finally, I have a full time job unrelated to blogging. I can't pretend that I am going to compete in the 24 hour news cycle, but I will try to post something worth a visit every day.

What unique experience will I offer readers?

I will curse as often as possible.

No seriously, I will try to be light and succinct in my comments and offer a roadmap to what, in my opinion, are the most interesting stories out there.

I am going to offer a weekly TV sports analyst/personality fashion roundup. Why? Because Merril Hoge needs some shine, dammit!

Also, I am going to do a public service and offer men some advice on the ladies. If I get any readers, I assume they will mostly be of the male persuasion. I am going to highlight a lady periodically that has desirable qualities that men should be looking for in their real life ladies. Why? No, I am not a lesbian, but I think that reinforcing quality standards will assist men in recognizing that same quality in real life. That being said, I will try to ensure that the ladies I select are hot.

Well, there's nothing left to do but get started. Enjoy!