The Conspiracy to Protect Ron Mexico

First, they told us it would take months to test Michael Vick's secret compartment Aquafina bottle for drug residue. Then, seemingly within hours, it was announced that the bottle had been tested and nothing was found to implicate Vick of anything illegal.

Now, the Atlanta Journal Constitution has requested a copy of the security tape and the Miami police department say the tape has been destroyed. Furthermore, the TSA has a copy of the tape, but they won't release it because of national security concerns.

We love Vick in the A, but I had no idea protecting Mexico was a matter of national security. (Maybe they confused Vick with the country.) What is on that tape? Is Michael Vick some sort of Jack Bauer secret agent? Did he need that special bottle to do his spy work? Was he in Miami with somebody else's baby mama? Who is orchestrating this cover-up? The Falcons? The NFL? Katharine Harris? Gertrude Joseph? I need to know.

Hopefully, the airport tape will turn up on YouTube, but, for now, this will have to do.