Friday, August 17, 2007

White People Are Better At Everything!

Damn them. I've just gotten back from the meeting. (Yes, it's true. We have meetings. We discuss things.) And We've decided that White people are eroding many of the Black community's "specialties." If this trend continues, We'll have no sense of identity. We'll just be... plain. This is the worst crisis to inflict the Community since Eminem started rapping. An intial list of enemies to the cause follows.



Teenage Pregnancy
Joe Namath's 16 year old daughter, Olivia, has just given birth to a child fathered by a 19 year old. "She was pregnant at 15," says a source. "He claims to be thrilled."

Joe's ex-wife has decided to take care of the baby while Joe's daughter finishes high school. The family opts to take care of the child at home instead of forcing the girl to enroll the baby at the day care center at Olivia's high school (Everybody doesn't have those?). That's classy, yo.
"Stop Snitching" Movement
Black people pioneered this movement and White people have run with it. My people sold a few t-shirts, but Greg Anderson may have usurped Lil' Kim as the #1 non-snitcher in history. Kim got a cushy reality show, but Greg continues to rot in jail while Michael Vick's "boys" have flipped on him left and right. Shiftless, good for nothing Negroes...
Coping With Unemployment
Dan Patrick bounces from the quintessential "good government job" and doesn't even have to hit the unemployment office. Negroes on their last week of benefits eligibility after being laid off at the plant are mad jealous.
Down Low Brotha
Men pretending to be straight while engaging in secret homosexual activity is the latest plague on Black families. Brady Quinn has not only deluded his girlfriend, but the Cleveland Browns and the whole league. Eddie Murphy, Al Reynolds, Johnny Gill, Mase, Cuttino, etc. have NOTHING on this guy.
Reaping the Advantages of Being White
God knows Black people have been trying to do this since the beginning of time. But while we're stocking up on blonde weave and blue contacts, Jared Allen demonstrates how it's done. Be a repeat drunk. Get latest DUI. Get suspended for 4 games. Secretly slip the Commissioner your team photo. Magically get suspension reduced to two games and get profiled on Hard Knocks as a feel good story of redemption. And although you're not supposed to be drinking, drink fake beer. O'Douls cures acoholism. Everyone knows this. We're taking notes from the White boy with a Black name, Jared.
Abandoning Your Family
Black men have been trying to perfect this for forever and a day. But We can only learn from the master race. Tom Brady has left his family in the dust. Sure, Tom may send a check, but who is going to teach that kid not to hate women? Of course, Tom doesn't cut any corners by marrying a bitch. But not only does he leave the mother of his child, he doesn't settle for just another hoodrat. He upgrades! Bridget was only going to nag and gain weight. Giselle has a bangin' fattie. Where was the choice? The hood is watching you, Tom. We are in awe.
Yelling At Your Baby Mama
Another pioneering effort taken over by the White man. I mean, there wouldn't even be baby mamas if it wasn't for Black men! White people were choosing to go with the linguistically cumbersone "mother of my child." But Brian Urlacher took a good idea and improved upon it.

"Go to hell you fucking cunt."
"Grow the fuck up and quit praying and get a job."
"You're a fucking fruit cake."
"Your raising a little pussy."


Wow. Even the Lord of Child Support P. Diddy couldn't produce a remix that pleases the ear of a Black man more.
Stealing From Your Employer and Resellng the Loot Out the Trunk of Your Car
Imus gets fired for mouthing off and gets $20 million for the inconvenience. Then he gets to pimp his services to the next sucker. When Tyrone got fired from Circuit City for bein' late all the time, he could only cop 1 flat screen on the way out. He only got like $300 for that shit too. We need to do better.
Excessive Use of Profanity
Black people have wasted years priming their children with exposure to inappropriate rap songs and making sure our kids have bus passes so they can show off their skills at the top of their lungs on public transportation all over the world. Still, but nobody know how to drop a "shit", "damn" or "fuck" like Gunther Cunningham, Defensive Coordinator of the Kansas City Chiefs. When he does it, everybody just has a good chuckle. When our kids do it, everybody clutches their purse. What's up with that?
Praising the Lord
We have wasted so many breaths saying "First, I want to thank God" at the beginning of every BET Award acceptance speech. Ray Lewis might as well cancel the prayer circle. Kurt Warner is the OZ (Original Zealot). We might as well pack up the gospel choir and head home.
Turning a Ho Into a Housewife
Too Short told Us that this was an impossible task. But I guess we should find better role models. David Beckham made a Spice Girl past her prime respectable. And still left a little bit of ho in her for his entertainment purposes.
Makin' a Ho Work the Tracks
Tim Hasselbeck holds a clipboard for the NY Giants while he makes his bottom bitch wife earn his weed money. Elizabeth is out there battling Rosie O'Donnell and earning millions on The View. It's hard out here for a pimp? Only for Negroes. The White man does this with ease.
Kool-Aid Sommelier
There's no documentation of this, but I've heard things in the streets. I hear Peyton is doing terrific things with mangoes and kiwi puree. Doctoring up Kool-Aid with orange slices, pineapple chunks and an extra cup of sugar is played out.


And that may be just the tip of the iceberg folks. Hopefully, we can get Al to stage a rally. Maybe Whitlock to write a column. We can't aford to let this trend continue. We have so little left. It's no wonder we're clinging to dog fighting and making it rain. And there's no doubt White people will be upstaging us on that too.

Gangsta D and myself both insist that we contributed 3/5 of the humor to this post. We have agreed to spend less time perpetuating stereotypes and more time on math.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now THAT is funny as hell! Looks like We need to look over our shoulders a bit more! The game done changed. LOL!

WCBG

Ted said...

Wheres M.C Rove?

Signal to Noise said...

(slow clap)

jebworks said...

Now, you just took the cake with this one....
Hilarious. But do not despair, you're still way cooler than us and we're just copy cats!

MCBias said...

It's all kinds of wrong, but yes, I laughed. And I KNEW the black people were having meetings and talking about us white folk! :-p Oh, if the majority in any country could hear what minorities say about them behind closed doors...FUNNY stuff.

CoCo said...

Good grief girl, you are not supposed to let THEM know about our meetings!

stopmikelupica said...

Great work. If this is what happens when Gangsta D and HCIC collaborate, then we need to get you guys working together more often!

As bad as things are for you guys, it could be worse: the "highlight" of Hispanic-American contributions to American pop culture right now is Carlos f*cking Mencia.

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

I will not stand by idolly and let this takeover happen. Time to double my ignorant behavior.

QueenieCarly said...

Ho-ly. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Thanks.

Liston said...

Dear Leave the man alone,

Great stuff, man. Super funny.

Love,

Liston

Big Blue Monkey said...

You see, that's why we hip white boys love you so much.

We had (shame on us) almost forgotten.

Jarrett Carter said...

Praise White Jesus.

Meeky P. said...

Loved it!

But do we still have the market on fake hair? I don't think I could stomach watching "Becky" become Ming Lee's best customer. Then I'll have to shank a b****!!

The HCIC said...

Meeky, I'll have to keep an eye on the situation.

Who do you think is rocking more weave right now? Pam Oliver or Erin Andrews?

Meeky P. said...

Okay, Erin is probably rocking MORE, but Pam is definitely rocking it BEST. Erin's weave has looked a little thirsty in some pics!

Guess I can breathe a sigh of relief. For now.

Sportsbruh said...

This was Mad funny! Too bad I couldn't really get into it.

Bronx is burning is on and Reggie Jackson is being himself.

All that.

Liston said...

Dear Leave the Man Alone,

I commented already on how good this was but I just read this again and got real mad. You know how when you read something and then you think, "Damn it! Why didn't I think of that first!"? That's how I felt after re-reading this and for that, you guys can kiss my ass, respectfully.

Love,

Liston

Anonymous said...

I hope all this is a joke! If not poor you!

bmxrodolfo14 said...

FUCK U WHITE PEOPLE IM NOT BLACK IM MEXICAN AND I KNOW WHITE PEOPLE ARE PUSSI'S THEY CANT FIGHT FOR SHIT MY LIL BRO CAN KICK ANY WHITE BOYS ASS AND HES SEVEN..WHITE PEOPLE ARE BITCHES TALK ALL FUCKEN WIERD DONT EVEN KNOW WUT THERE SAYIN SO FUCK ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE WHO THINK THIS IS RIGHT WHITE PEOPLE CANT EVEN FUCK RIGHT THEY HAV SMALL DICKS AND ITS EVEN TRUE ITS PROVEN!!!SO FUCK U...OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

㊣美樂蒂melody咩咩㊣ said...

海綿寶寶小遊戲,視訊美女,海綿寶寶,微整型美容,笑話大全,酒店經紀,微整型,星座運勢,曼雪兒免費小說,十二星座,視訊聊天室,星座配對,愛情配對,酒店經紀,愛情運勢,視訊聊天,情色文學,瘦小腹,瘦腿,瘦身餐,酒店經紀,笑話,網頁設計,網站設計,酒店兼職,ktv酒店,酒店兼職,兼差打工,酒店上班,酒店經紀,酒店小姐,ktv酒店,兼差打工,酒店上班,酒店經紀,酒店小姐,ktv酒店,酒店兼職,兼差打工,酒店上班,酒店小姐,酒店公關,ktv酒店,酒店兼職,兼差打工,酒店上班,酒店小姐,ktv酒店,酒店兼職,兼差打工,酒店上班,酒店小姐,酒店公關,異性緣,髮型,髮型圖片