Damn them. I've just gotten back from the meeting. (Yes, it's true. We have meetings. We discuss things.) And We've decided that White people are eroding many of the Black community's "specialties." If this trend continues, We'll have no sense of identity. We'll just be... plain. This is the worst crisis to inflict the Community since Eminem started rapping. An intial list of enemies to the cause follows.
Joe Namath's 16 year old daughter, Olivia, has just given birth to a child fathered by a 19 year old. "She was pregnant at 15," says a source. "He claims to be thrilled."
Joe's ex-wife has decided to take care of the baby while Joe's daughter finishes high school. The family opts to take care of the child at home instead of forcing the girl to enroll the baby at the day care center at Olivia's high school (Everybody doesn't have those?). That's classy, yo.
|"Stop Snitching" Movement|
Black people pioneered this movement and White people have run with it. My people sold a few t-shirts, but Greg Anderson may have usurped Lil' Kim as the #1 non-snitcher in history. Kim got a cushy reality show, but Greg continues to rot in jail while Michael Vick's "boys" have flipped on him left and right. Shiftless, good for nothing Negroes...
|Coping With Unemployment|
Dan Patrick bounces from the quintessential "good government job" and doesn't even have to hit the unemployment office. Negroes on their last week of benefits eligibility after being laid off at the plant are mad jealous.
|Down Low Brotha|
Men pretending to be straight while engaging in secret homosexual activity is the latest plague on Black families. Brady Quinn has not only deluded his girlfriend, but the Cleveland Browns and the whole league. Eddie Murphy, Al Reynolds, Johnny Gill, Mase, Cuttino, etc. have NOTHING on this guy.
|Reaping the Advantages of Being White|
God knows Black people have been trying to do this since the beginning of time. But while we're stocking up on blonde weave and blue contacts, Jared Allen demonstrates how it's done. Be a repeat drunk. Get latest DUI. Get suspended for 4 games. Secretly slip the Commissioner your team photo. Magically get suspension reduced to two games and get profiled on Hard Knocks as a feel good story of redemption. And although you're not supposed to be drinking, drink fake beer. O'Douls cures acoholism. Everyone knows this. We're taking notes from the White boy with a Black name, Jared.
|Abandoning Your Family|
Black men have been trying to perfect this for forever and a day. But We can only learn from the master race. Tom Brady has left his family in the dust. Sure, Tom may send a check, but who is going to teach that kid not to hate women? Of course, Tom doesn't cut any corners by marrying a bitch. But not only does he leave the mother of his child, he doesn't settle for just another hoodrat. He upgrades! Bridget was only going to nag and gain weight. Giselle has a bangin' fattie. Where was the choice? The hood is watching you, Tom. We are in awe.
|Yelling At Your Baby Mama|
Another pioneering effort taken over by the White man. I mean, there wouldn't even be baby mamas if it wasn't for Black men! White people were choosing to go with the linguistically cumbersone "mother of my child." But Brian Urlacher took a good idea and improved upon it.
"Go to hell you fucking cunt."
"Grow the fuck up and quit praying and get a job."
"You're a fucking fruit cake."
"Your raising a little pussy."
Wow. Even the Lord of Child Support P. Diddy couldn't produce a remix that pleases the ear of a Black man more.
|Stealing From Your Employer and Resellng the Loot Out the Trunk of Your Car|
Imus gets fired for mouthing off and gets $20 million for the inconvenience. Then he gets to pimp his services to the next sucker. When Tyrone got fired from Circuit City for bein' late all the time, he could only cop 1 flat screen on the way out. He only got like $300 for that shit too. We need to do better.
|Excessive Use of Profanity|
Black people have wasted years priming their children with exposure to inappropriate rap songs and making sure our kids have bus passes so they can show off their skills at the top of their lungs on public transportation all over the world. Still, but nobody know how to drop a "shit", "damn" or "fuck" like Gunther Cunningham, Defensive Coordinator of the Kansas City Chiefs. When he does it, everybody just has a good chuckle. When our kids do it, everybody clutches their purse. What's up with that?
|Praising the Lord|
We have wasted so many breaths saying "First, I want to thank God" at the beginning of every BET Award acceptance speech. Ray Lewis might as well cancel the prayer circle. Kurt Warner is the OZ (Original Zealot). We might as well pack up the gospel choir and head home.
|Turning a Ho Into a Housewife|
Too Short told Us that this was an impossible task. But I guess we should find better role models. David Beckham made a Spice Girl past her prime respectable. And still left a little bit of ho in her for his entertainment purposes.
|Makin' a Ho Work the Tracks|
Tim Hasselbeck holds a clipboard for the NY Giants while he makes his
There's no documentation of this, but I've heard things in the streets. I hear Peyton is doing terrific things with mangoes and kiwi puree. Doctoring up Kool-Aid with orange slices, pineapple chunks and an extra cup of sugar is played out.
And that may be just the tip of the iceberg folks. Hopefully, we can get Al to stage a rally. Maybe Whitlock to write a column. We can't aford to let this trend continue. We have so little left. It's no wonder we're clinging to dog fighting and making it rain. And there's no doubt White people will be upstaging us on that too.
Gangsta D and myself both insist that we contributed 3/5 of the humor to this post. We have agreed to spend less time perpetuating stereotypes and more time on math.