Hitching a Ride...

I wouldn't be an Atlantan if I didn't jump on the bandwagon. Atlanta is home of the consumate fairweather fan, so it's my native predisposition.

Because, truthfully, I laughed when I got a solicitation for playoff tickets two weeks before the regular season ended. It seemed the Hawks could've just gone to a bank if they needed someone to float them money for a few days.

But those guys closed things out. I always liked ZaZa Pachulia and the Joshes, but I thought Coach Mike Woodson was dead weight. You see, the Hawks should've made the playoffs two years ago. But this Mike Bibby thing is apparently working out. And, miraculously, the Hawks have won two games over the anointed Boston Celtics. And - I fully support TNT's decision to dedicate a camera to the frustrated face of Doc Rivers.

And the Atlanta fans may be fairweather, but they are crunk. Undoubtedly, the enthusiasm of the fans is the elevating the play of the Hawks. We are surprised, but we are genuinely excited for the team.

So, I'm on the bandwagon too. Hell yeah, Kevin Garnett should be suspended and go Hawks!

Pigs Are Flying

The year is 2007. The word, "jiggy", has inexplicably come back into the public lexicon. I expect hell to freeze over any day now.

And I am calling for Kobe Bryant to be traded to the Atlanta Hawks.

(Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.)

Wait...

Eh, there's still a nasty taste in my mouth (tastes like chicken), but I think I'm ok now.

I'm not saying it. Actually, Kobe said it (kinda). In interview 10 of 162, with Dan Patrick, Kobe Bryant verbally acknowledged that he would be willing to be traded to the Hawks. Well, actually, Dan said it. Kobe just begrudgingly agreed that he'd be willing to be traded anywhere.

So I used the fancy schmanzy ESPN trade machine. And it turns out Atlanta is a perfectly logical destination

First and foremost, we have the salaries to trade.

And you may not believe it, but the Hawks have plenty of young talent.

I'm not going to front or otherwise pretend to negotiate. I will freely give up our 3 best players. We have nothing to lose, lol.

Joe Johnson
Josh Smith
Marvin Williams.

For Kobe.

The salaries match.

Theoretically, the Lakers would make out. That is 51 points of offense for the 31 points that Kobe would mean for the Hawks.

Oh, and by the way, the Hawks have the #3 draft pick in the upcoming draft. The Lakers can have that too. No matter who it is, the Hawks will just squander Player X's talent.

Despite the traded talent, Kobe would still have a little bit of a supporting cast left. The Hawks would still have Zaza Pachulia, Josh Childress, Tyronn Lue, Shelden Williams, Speedy Claxton, etc. Plus - unlike some of the other teams like Chicago or New York that are hyped to be ideal destinations for Kobe - Atlanta has a little bit of cap room. It's $4 million, but we could sign a nice veteran compliment with at the midlevel exception.

I'm not saying Kobe would win the championship right away, but the Hawks can make the playoffs in a weak Eastern Conference. Kobe could get past the first round, unlike the groundhog day he's been enduring in the Western Conference playoffs.

Of course, Kobe would have to force a coaching change. Mike Woodson is the worst. But Kobe enjoys playing GM AND owner, so that should be no problem at all.

Again, the Lakers would end up with talented (yet previously underutilized) players and tradeable pieces. Which is more than they have now.

And let me hype the intangibles.

Kobe would be THE MAN in Atlanta. Black people love to embrace a persecuted Black man. And, boy, Kobe is a persecuted Black man. And Atlanta is full of Black people. By golly, it's a perfect match! Atlanta would just accept Kobe with one big collective yet racially divided hug and sustained sports talk radio defense. Michael Vick was hot for awhile, but he's getting too complicated as of late.

We have celebrity row at Phillips Arena. Who wants to see an old, withered Dyan Cannon or Jack Nicholson? Atlanta offers up Usher, Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, Ludacris, etc. We're hot! Vanessa and the fam wouldn't lose a step. The weather is generally good and the shopping is excellent.

Full disclosure.

I hate Kobe. But I know my hate is wrong. I NEED an excuse to fall to my knees and shed tears of forgiveness and cry in the thunder and lightning in oh so dramatic fashion, "I forgive you Kobe." But I am a woman and naturally dramatic.

I hope lightning doesn't strike me for putting these thoughts in print.

P.S. Billy Knight, are you reading this? Do something with your life!

The Hawks Got the 3rd Pick?! ! So What.

Can you detect my excitement?

Ehhh, I'm so excited.

The joke on sports talk today was that the Hawks should've sent Shelden Williams to represent the Hawks at the draft because, obviously, that one is the luckiest motherfucker alive.

The Hawks got the #3 and the #11 pick in the NBA draft. Don't worry. They'll waste both of them. Don't worry your pretty little heads over who they will pick. If the Hawks accidentally pick good players, said talent will only reveal themselves after they are traded to other teams (see Jason Terry and Boris Diaw for reference).

Meanwhile, potential Hawks draftee, you probably won't learn much from Coach Woodson, but enjoy the strip clubs, the malls and the good restaurants. The liquor stores are closed on Sunday. That's something you'll need to know as you will want to make sure you are never unable to drown your sorrows. And, yes, there will be sorrows.

It's a Fine Line

Here's Shelden Williams of the 30 game winning Atlanta Hawks looking like a dope in his off the shoulder top.



In stark contrast, here's Dwyane Wade personifying hotness in a similar ensemble. Similar, except in the fact that he wears the uniform of the playoff bound, title defending Miami Heat.



There's a fine line between style and tackiness. There's a fine line between winners and losers. The Atlanta Hawks always end up on the wrong side of that line. Sigh. See you next year. 32 wins here we come!

Why the King of the South Couldn't Save the Hawks and Other Happenings

The Atlanta Hawks lost in overtime to the Seattle Supersonics 113-112 despite the promise of being able to do the "shoulder lean" after the game during the post-game T.I. and Young Dro Concert. Presumably, Lil' Jon consoled the crowd with a few "Yeah"'s, "What!"'s and "Okay"'s from his courtside seat.

No. 8 Georgetown defeated Hartford 69-59 in their season opener. Go Hoyas!!

What the fuck is going in Miami? After defeating the Bears last week, the Miami Dolphins defeated another quality opponent in the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday.

The Cincinati Bengals lost in horrific fashion to the San Diego Chargers 49-41. I hope you took the over on the points.

In another episode of the No Fun League, NY Giants running back Brandon Jacobs celebrated a touchdown (during the Giants ultimate defeat by the Bears) by putting the ball under his jersey as an ode to his pregnant wife. After some teammates came over to help him in the celebration, he was promptly cited 15 yards for excessive celebration. But John Madden did have a good time saying, "the ode", "the ode" over and over again.

Atlanta resident Evander Holyfield was successful in his comeback bid with a unanimous decision against Fres Oquendo. Though Holyfield was the old man in the ring, Holyfield blamed Oquendo for the fight being boring. Still, Holyfield may be able to now get a license in a state other than Texas.

Real life Kazakhastan native Wladimir Klitschko retained his heavyweight boxing belt with a TKO.

Laila Ali was successful in her fight. It's not her fault that she's one of the few highlights in boxing these days, but HBO refuses to give her any shine, citing some bogus excuse about the quality of women's boxing.

Lap dancing was banned in Las Vegas.

R.I.P. Gerald Levert.
R.I.P. Ed Bradley

Proof That the Atlanta Hawks Have Given Up

We're moving on. So should you. Who cares if we currently lead the Southeast Division? Apparently, Atlanta has given up on the Hawks ever winning more than 20 games again and has decided to make drastic upgrades to our current pro basketball situation. Significant actions have been undertaken to bring Atlanta our very own WNBA franchise. If a WNBA franchise does take root here, the responsible parties have promised to promote it "with flair." Flair? There is no goddamn "flair" in sports!! And that's why I have nothing kind to say about the WNBA.