Pigs Are Flying

The year is 2007. The word, "jiggy", has inexplicably come back into the public lexicon. I expect hell to freeze over any day now.

And I am calling for Kobe Bryant to be traded to the Atlanta Hawks.

(Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.)

Wait...

Eh, there's still a nasty taste in my mouth (tastes like chicken), but I think I'm ok now.

I'm not saying it. Actually, Kobe said it (kinda). In interview 10 of 162, with Dan Patrick, Kobe Bryant verbally acknowledged that he would be willing to be traded to the Hawks. Well, actually, Dan said it. Kobe just begrudgingly agreed that he'd be willing to be traded anywhere.

So I used the fancy schmanzy ESPN trade machine. And it turns out Atlanta is a perfectly logical destination

First and foremost, we have the salaries to trade.

And you may not believe it, but the Hawks have plenty of young talent.

I'm not going to front or otherwise pretend to negotiate. I will freely give up our 3 best players. We have nothing to lose, lol.

Joe Johnson
Josh Smith
Marvin Williams.

For Kobe.

The salaries match.

Theoretically, the Lakers would make out. That is 51 points of offense for the 31 points that Kobe would mean for the Hawks.

Oh, and by the way, the Hawks have the #3 draft pick in the upcoming draft. The Lakers can have that too. No matter who it is, the Hawks will just squander Player X's talent.

Despite the traded talent, Kobe would still have a little bit of a supporting cast left. The Hawks would still have Zaza Pachulia, Josh Childress, Tyronn Lue, Shelden Williams, Speedy Claxton, etc. Plus - unlike some of the other teams like Chicago or New York that are hyped to be ideal destinations for Kobe - Atlanta has a little bit of cap room. It's $4 million, but we could sign a nice veteran compliment with at the midlevel exception.

I'm not saying Kobe would win the championship right away, but the Hawks can make the playoffs in a weak Eastern Conference. Kobe could get past the first round, unlike the groundhog day he's been enduring in the Western Conference playoffs.

Of course, Kobe would have to force a coaching change. Mike Woodson is the worst. But Kobe enjoys playing GM AND owner, so that should be no problem at all.

Again, the Lakers would end up with talented (yet previously underutilized) players and tradeable pieces. Which is more than they have now.

And let me hype the intangibles.

Kobe would be THE MAN in Atlanta. Black people love to embrace a persecuted Black man. And, boy, Kobe is a persecuted Black man. And Atlanta is full of Black people. By golly, it's a perfect match! Atlanta would just accept Kobe with one big collective yet racially divided hug and sustained sports talk radio defense. Michael Vick was hot for awhile, but he's getting too complicated as of late.

We have celebrity row at Phillips Arena. Who wants to see an old, withered Dyan Cannon or Jack Nicholson? Atlanta offers up Usher, Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, Ludacris, etc. We're hot! Vanessa and the fam wouldn't lose a step. The weather is generally good and the shopping is excellent.

Full disclosure.

I hate Kobe. But I know my hate is wrong. I NEED an excuse to fall to my knees and shed tears of forgiveness and cry in the thunder and lightning in oh so dramatic fashion, "I forgive you Kobe." But I am a woman and naturally dramatic.

I hope lightning doesn't strike me for putting these thoughts in print.

P.S. Billy Knight, are you reading this? Do something with your life!